Ancarett's Abode

Everquest Humour

The SoW Story | The Druid Universal Conspiracy
Attack of the Killer Gnome | Barm's Tips for Melee Management

The SoW story

(Originally found at message boards)
So there I was.....minding my own business in The Overthere, when all of a sudden I see the message: "d00d sow plz".

Of course, my natural instinct was not to answer, since I thought the clueless newb (hereafter referred to politely as "the petitioner") must have been poorly informed at best.

Boy was I ever wrong.

I switch out of 1st person into an external camera, and what did my wandering eyes behold? Only myself and the petitioner.

So I says to myself...."Self? You need to edumacate this fella!"

(Keep in mind what the overall setting looked like: There I was, in skeleton form, carrying a scythe, FLOATING IN MIDAIR IN A MEDITATING POSITION, with a LARGE dark-brown skeleton named "Gibober" standing behind me. Ummm....No, skippy, I'm not a druid or a shaman.)

I say "Wish I could, bro, but I don't have SoW. I'm a Necromancer."

The Petitioner says, "$#*&@#$ dick, sow me already! it's for a cr"

Feeling as if my feathers had been ruffled a bit, I do a "/who all dumbass" (um..pardon..I meant "/who all petitioner")

This is where I discovered the "/who all" bug. Certainly it must have been a bug, right? There's NO WAY IN CREATION the dumbas...err...petitioner could have been a level 31 Dark Elf Wizard, right???? RIGHT????? /em begins to cry like a little girl.

Well, needless to say, I couldn't have been any more shocked than if my pet began dancing an Irish Jig. I quickly begin the arduous task of maintaining my composure, while deciding how best to deal with this tricky situation.

I say, "Necromancer's can't cast SoW".

Petitioner says, "Bull@#$%! you cast a spell while you were running and you sped up! i couldn't catch you until you sat down! if you're not going to sow me just say so you dont have to be a dick about it a$$hole"

Yes I know....he didn't use any punctuation in that last sentence.

I say, "I have JBoots."

He says, "what are they"

Before I have a chance to pick my chin up off the floor....

Petitioner asks, "can you buff my hps my hp sux"

I say, "I can't buff you, dude. I'm a necromancer. I only have one buff that you would probably want."

He says, "yeah the one you won't give me dick"

Ok. Time to have fun with the hopelessly clueless.

I say, "Why do you need a sow?"

He says, "i need to get to burned woods to hunt. sumbody said its perfect for my level"

Yep. That's what he said......"burned woods".

I say, "man are you ever in the wrong place."

He says, "?"

Apparently he found the "question mark" key conveniently located nearby other various and sundry communication facilitators.

I didn't answer him.

He repeats, "??"

Found it twice...good for him.

He repeats, "???"

Having an IQ greater than plantlife, I sensed a pattern forming.

I say, "You are NO WHERE near Burned Woods."

He says, "my friend told me it was in kunark"

I say, "Yeah, the operative word there is 'WAS'. There was a major patch a couple of months ago after a bunch of complaints were filed about 'static content'."

He says, "?"

I say, "!"

He says, "?"

I say, ","

He says, "wtf"

I say, "no, already have some."

He says, "????"

I don't respond.

He says, "so where the @#$% is burned woods"

He lost the question mark button again. Probably popped off when he was sniffing his feet.

I say, "Well, THIS week it's south of Freeport. It changes with every patch, since they began randomizing zone locations."

My guild is hysterical at this point. And I haven't even told them the ENTIRE story yet. Just snippets.

He says, "@#$% i just got off the boat"

I say, "You don't need the boat."

He says "why"

I say, "You're a wizard!"

He says, "how you know that"

I say, "I did a /wh...nevermind....the important thing is you have teleportation spells."

He says, "oh yeah the green ones"

I nod.

I say, "Yep. The 'green ones'. Pretty nice how you have them grouped by color."

He says, "thx"

I say, "How'd you think about doing it that way?"

He says, "they were all @#$%## up when i got this char"

I say, "Sit down and mem the spell 'Fay Gate'."

He says, "why"

Question mark key is on the ground in front of your chair, guy. Mixed in with your collection of boogers.

I say, "It's going to put you within spitting distance of Burned Woods."

He says, "how do you know"

I say, "All patch messages come with a zone connection map."

He says, "oh"

I say, "Ok. You have it memmed now?"

He had just stood up after what I assumed was meditating/looking at his spell book.

He says, "yeah"

I say, "Ok. Cast the spell and let me know when you get there."

Dumba...errr....Petitioner begins to cast a spell.

A LONG time goes by.....ok, maybe 5 minutes
I still haven't heard from him.

Getting curious:

I tell petitioner, "Are you there yet?"

No reply. No reply at all. [Yes, I'm a Genesis fan... ]

Obviously he's there, or my tell wouldn't have gone through.

I tell petitioner, "Hit the 'r' key to reply to me."

He replies, "i'm here now where do i go."

Right idea....wrong punctuation mark. Oh well. "C" for effort.

I tell petitioner, "Ok, do you see a hotkey on the screen that says 'Sense Heading'?"

He replies, "no"

I reply, "Hit the arrow buttons one by one until you see one."

It was a guess, but an educated one.

He replies, "found it"

I reply, "Click on it."

He replies, "north"

I reply, "Ok, you need to head east along the path. Keep going until the path turns north. When it forks to the right, take the right fork."

He replies, "ok"

Who knows, maybe the guy who sold his account on Ebay worked his Felwithe faction up.

He replies, "sumbody told me i shouldnt be here cause i'm a dark elf"

I reply, "They were roleplaying."

He replies, "oh hehe @#$%@#$ morons ;P"

Priceless. Utterly priceless, I tell you.

I reply, "Where are you?"

He replies, "i see something now. looks like a castle"

I reply, "Run into the castle as fast as you can. The guards might give you some trouble, just keep running."

Yeah...damned conscience started kicking in.

A fairly long period of time passes. Not sure how long, but longer than I was expecting.

I tell petitioner, "What happened?"

As if I didn't know....

He replies, "my spells are gone!"

I reply, "What happened?"

He replies, "i died why"

I reply, "Oh man! Did I tell you to run east or west?"

He replies, "east wtf???"

I reply, "Yikes. My bad. You should have run west."

He replies, "?"

I reply, "So where are you now?"

He replies, "how can i tell"

I reply, "Look right after you see 'Loading please wait'. It should tell you 'You have entered [zone]'."

He replies "it doesnt say [zone] there."

After smacking my head against my monitor....

I reply, "What does it say in place of [zone]?".

Get this....

He replies, "Burning Woods"

I nearly fell out of my chair! I couldn't have PLANNED it that way!

He replies, "is that the same as burned woods"

I reply, "No, but you're close. Start running south so you can get your corpse back."

He replies, "i have to get my corpse back?????"

/ignore petitioner

Moral of the story: EBay...Just Say No!

Out of sheer curiosity, I took him off ignore later to find out what happened.

I tell petitioner, "How's it going?"

He replies, "wtf? where you been"

I reply, "been afk, sorry."

He replies, "got my corpse back. some dude rezzed me."

My conscience somewhat eased...

I reply, "Really? Cool! Where are you now?"

He replies, "iceclad ocean"

I scratch my head a few times.

I reply, "Why Velious?"

He replies, "the guy that rezzed me told me burned woods was in western wastes this week"

I don't recall exactly how long it took me to stop laughing. I stopped breathing shortly before my dog dialed 911.

He replied, "@#$%&* wouldnt sow me either. what is that sh#$ gold?"

That's what finally killed me. I'm writing this from the afterlife.

Mujahid Mukhtaar
Questmaster of the Enchanted Circle (Solusek Ro Server)

The Druid Universal Conspiracy to Kill (DUCK!)

-- Rolli Polli, Retired Druid of Rodcet Nife (and one cool fellow)

Our conspiracy has gone on for too long and it has finally been uncovered by the normals. It's time to fess up. Yes, we the Druids of Norrath have been in a conspiracy with Verant Interactive, Sony Online Entertainment, Microsoft, Disney, the Catholic Church, UUNet, the Masons, Ford Motor Company, and *your* ISP for the past few years. It has been the goal of this conspiracy to ruin the game play of every non druid in EQ, get ph4t l3wt for the druid army, create a master race of dr00dz, and steal the formula for Coke Classic. We have thus far succeeded with everything but the Coke deal, however there is a guy who will trade it to multi-quest Jboots for him. -- Someone get on that please.
  I would like to apologize on behalf of the Druid Universal Conspiracy to Kill, AKA DUCK, for the following:

- KSing that fire beetle from you in west commons when you were level 1. Hey, it was dark and we thought you needed help. Yes, I know that a 49th level druid could cast Greater Heal just as easily as Starfire, but we druids all forgot how to heal around level 20.

- Getting clerics nerfed into uselessness, along with warriors, necromancers, wizards, mages, enchanters, rogues and rangers. It was a drunken bet and we didn't think they'd actually do it.

- Training those fifteen hill giants over you in the Rathe Mountains. After all if you don't want to fight, you shouldn't sit in the far back corner, up against the wall, where nobody can find you, it was hard enough getting all of those giants to aggro on you in the first place...

- Taking your spot in the orc group when you were level 10. While it's not our fault that your class sucks, we do occasionally feed pizzas and nachos laced with morphine to the Verant staff but that is only to keep them under our power.

- World War II. -- Sorry, don't know what happened here. Give one newbie a Skin Like Nature and next thing you know he's invading Poland.

- Global warming. It's a well known fact that quad kiting causes global warming. All those druids running around at high speed has thrown the planet off blaance and it is slowly moving towards the sun. Don't worry, if we get too close, we'll all just run in the opposite direction for a while.

- The DOT related corpse poofing bug. If we can't get the loot, then you can't either. We have a secret look-ahead algorithm that determines if we would have won the /random for the drop. In the event of a predicted loss, screw you mode is engaged and DOTs start flying.

- World hunger. Sure we could take all this foraged food we don't want and give it to those starving kids in Africa, but it will take at least five minutes to port there and back. We don't want to lose our shot at the FBSS if it drops then...

- World War I. OK, it is COMPLETELY not our fault that Archduke Ferdinand could not get a port and had to walk. How were we supposed to know he would get jumped and ganked by PKers? I think wizards should share the blame here, but they refuse to fess up. Hindsight shows us that we could have helped avoid a lot of trouble though.

- Original Sin. Heh, that's a good story. It wasn't actually a snake, we made that up to cover for us. It was a druid in tree-form who just wanted to have some fun with a couple of n00bs. How were we supposed to know that they were going to get /petitioned? Honest mistake, won't happen again.

- Alien Abduction. Nope, that's all a sham too. We port into the middle of nowhere, see if some unsuspecting lowbie wants a quick port home and then leave them on Rigel 7. We made up that UFO thing cause the GMs were getting on to us.

- Richard Nixon. -- What were we thinking?

- The Decline of Western Civilization. In truth, this really isn't our fault. It's just a combination of all the other things we've done, compounded by corporate greed, human indifference, general moral decay and rap music. Might as well take the blame for this one though, we've got nothing better to do.

Again, I would like to apologize you on behalf of the DUCK. If, in the future, any further wrongdoings by druids come to light we will be apologizing for them here. We've done so much that we just plum can't keep track of it all and our book keeping is terrible.

Attack of the Killer Gnome

Unknown Source -- Email Me if you know the source

I was invisible and running through the Karanas one day when I noticed a young gnome near the gypsy camp. He was fighting a lion and though it looked like he would win the battle, being a fellow gnome, I decided to help the guy out.

I targeted the lion, clicked on my mesmerize spell, then *started* to type: "I'm mesmerizing the lion for you." I got as far as: "I'm " when I remembered that I had replaced my mesmerize spell with an Area of Effect mesmerize spell... and that I was standing next to an NPC enchantress. Gulp.

My movement keys are mapped to "w a s d" so I frantically stabbed at my keyboard, trying to MOVE and interrupt the spell.

I forgot that I was in typing mode.

The gypsy enchantress didn't like my attempt to mezz her so she promptly charmed me and made me go after the gnome I had been trying to *save*. I watched in horror as my peace-loving character, knife flailing like a crazed sushi chef, chased the little guy down and stabbed him to death.

I found my victim later and apologized profusely... I even gave him a nice weapon and a piece of armor. He was great about it, and laughed when I told him what happened.

He said he didn't know WHAT was going on. One minute he was fighting a lion, the next minute a strange gnome appeared out of NOWHERE, announced: "I'm wwwaaaddd", then sliced him up like Freddy Krueger.


Barm's Tips for Melee Management

By Barm McLir of the Saryn Server (Originally found at Shaman's Crucible's message boards
There are times during your career as a shaman that you'll find yourself grouped with those crazy melee type classes. I offer the following tips for working with the gate-inhibited:

Melees are poor at math and don't understand that 20 mana is less than 100 mana, thus they keep pulling. You can help the tank visualize your mana bar by keeping his health bar at the same level. Some warriors cannot comprehend this either and pull anyway. This is called natural selection.

Paladin get a very annoying ability called Lay of Hands that they carry around like a personal get out of death free card. They will happily pull Venril Sathir to your right courtyard group confident that LoH will save the day. It's imperative that you "fizzle" a few heals, forcing them to burn this right away. Now, your group is relatively safe from your pally for one game day.

Monks get a similar ability called Mend. They tend to be more selfish in its use, so make a hotkey saying Monk, please cast MEND on %t. and click it every two minutes. If they try to claim they canít, tell them your brotherís 16 monk can Group Mend. Then accuse them of being ebayed.

Tanks think all casters med at something like 500 mana a tick. When you report your current mana they, despite being poor at math, mentally tack on another 30% to compensate for .003 second delay your message spent traversing the internet. To correct for this, subtract 30% from all mana reports. This is called the "Scotty Principle."

Rogue twinks are your enemy. They join the group with 15 hit points left dual wielding 10/10 weapons that proc Insidious Taunt and immediately demand haste. You cannot afford to heal rogues. Give them something with a boot icon -- Scale of Wolf for instance.

Many people do not understand the Ranger class and think they are like that dirty, unshaven guy from Lord of the Rings. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Rangers actually follow very strict principals of honor like Shaolin priests. Under their Bushido-like code, nothing brings more shame than being healed by another. Pat Morita explained this all at the last Fan Fair. He did say they were kinda dirty.

Keep your pet alive over all other group members. You can justify this by explaining that your 55 pet costs 50 mana more than Reviviscence. Be warned, they will try to confuse the issue by pointing out that you canít even cast Reviviscence. Go into a long dissertation regarding the concept of community mana and the respect thereof.

If melees ask for strength say something like, "Yeah, that would be sweet -- maybe this drolvarg will drop it?" [Optional] Then cast Maniacal Strength on your pet.

Some shaman suggest casting buffs on yourself or a pet as timers so you know when to refresh. While this may sound good on paper, it does not factor in the warrior who clicks off each buff every few minutes trying to check the names.

Don't get angry at the tank who responds to your "OOM" with "haste plz". What they really mean is, "Hastily get thyself to the zone while I buy you precious second with my unworthy life's blood, Good Priest." It's just hard to type all that between the crunching sounds. Respect the dying request of this proud roleplayer.
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