Far Away

Rating: PG-13

Synopsis: The Captain muses on her life. Brief, kinda sad but that's life. Inspired by Carole King's "Tapestry" album and dedicated to the writers of JetC17.

Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom, yadda yadda yadda yadda. Me? Nada.

So far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place any more?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're just time away

Long ago I reached for you and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
Oh, how I wish I could
But you're so far away


Kathryn fingered the emerald crepe dress in her closet. Regretfully, she let the garment slip from her grasp and reached instead for the safe, predictable dress she alternated with another equally bland garment on those occasions when Voyager's captain had to socialize with her crew out of uniform.

It was another one of Neelix's morale-boosting exercises. The void was well behind them, but the Talaxian still fussed. She'd been too tired, too distracted and dispirited to do anything but agree to his plan for a party to celebrate yet another obscure Talaxian festival.

Half the time she expected he made those things up anyway. But the crew would appreciate a chance to let loose and so she agreed.

She'd shaken off the desperate darkness that had assailed her during their passage through the void. But a nagging realization plagued her in the weeks since their return to normal space.

She'd lost him.

Somewhere, in the last year, she and Chakotay had drifted apart. One too many denials on her part, one too many missed openings on his. It didn't really matter when it came about, it simply had.

All she knew was that there was no way to restore the intimacy and anticipation that had once coloured their relationship. Certainly, they were still friends, but he'd gone on. And what was most galling, so had she. . . .

Smoothing on the dark blue dress, Kathryn stared unseeingly into her mirrored reflection. When had she become this person trapped by regulation and habit? Ironically, while being thousands of lightyears from Starfleet had liberated her as a commander, emotionally it had done the opposite.

She had safe relationships with her junior crewmembers, of course. Harry had blossomed, Tom was a wonder, B'Elanna had returned to herself and while Seven still could send her into a fit, she had also become an admirable young woman. But with Chakotay, the gap had widened, slowly but surely. How strange that the man she sat next to every day, the man whose smiles and husky words had once set her pulse to racing had now become the most distant being in her emotional universe.

Not that he was unkind or uncaring. Hardly that. But somehow the habits of Commander and Captain had become so ingrained that they could no longer shake them off.

At one time, she had fantasized about Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant and the joys of homecoming. Certainly, being reunited with her family and friends had been a constant theme, but Chakotay had always been there too. Once you're home, her heart had whispered, then you'll be free to return his love.

But those whispers were quiet. Her heart no longer raced when she looked into his eyes. He no longer tendered her those special smiles.

And the worst part of it was, she could summon no lover's anguish, no romantic remorse. Nothing but the calm acceptance of a Starfleet captain.

How strange, she mused, laying her hairbrush down, that 60 years from home, I've finally found myself the perfect Starfleet officer.

The door to her quarters opened in a whispery rush and she made her way to the turbolift. Neelix's party started soon. It wouldn't do for the Captain to be late.

Traveling around sure gets me down and lonely
Nothing else to do but close my mind
I sure hope the road don't come to own me
There's so many dreams I've yet to find

But you're so far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place any more?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're just time away

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